


I will let you down and that's a damn guarantee

by ThatOneBai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Gay Panic, Getting Together, I figured out how to tag, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Man I have always wanted to use that tag because I love it, Misunderstandings, No Beta, Not Actual Cheating But It Kinda Seems Like It?, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Purging, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, We Die Like Men, men in lingerie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:48:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28447935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneBai/pseuds/ThatOneBai
Summary: All these things led to battles within his head. With the anorexic side of himself against the hungry side. With the depressed side against the rational side. With the voice that sounded like his mother against the one that sounded, surprisingly, like the loud-mouthed, brash, grey-eyed…Well. He was not going there. The rational side was also not willing to think about that thought too much. Even the rational side preferred to think about food compared to feelings. It was the lone thing he firmly believed with all sides.Or:Ennoshita is not in a good place, but apparently, he has some happy surprises waiting when it comes to his best friend Tanaka.
Relationships: Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	1. Till the laughing stops and you lose your worth

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the tags, kids. This is {hopefully} going to be a happy story, but it's dealing with serious and sad things. Please only read if you are okay with that.
> 
> Trigger Warning for Eating Disorders and Self Harm.
> 
> I've never posted before so I would like feedback. But please be nice, I cry really easily! Also, formatting is really confusing and I'm not sure what I'm doing.
> 
> Titles thanks to Zach Byran Songs. Such great writing music!  
> Thanks :)

_Just keep going._

_Around and around and around._

_If you are moving you are burning calories._

_Focus on your reading. Get lost in it and forget how tired you feel._

_It’s not like you want to sleep anyway. If you go to bed you’ll just lay there and be on your phone._

_This way you are doing something positive._

_Keeping those monstrous legs and huge waist moving._

_You don’t deserve a break. You have to_ earn _it._

His mind plagued him.

It had good reason to do so. 

Today was a bad day. It did not start out that way. Indeed, it started out well. For a Sunday in the summer, the weather was relatively mild. He woke early and did a two-hour workout, walked more than six miles, and reached his newest goal weight. 

The seeds to his downfall were sown early in his day. He ate breakfast that morning. He should have avoided it at all costs. 

But, his dad had been home and he was expected to eat when they were home together for mealtimes. He tried to keep his meal light, but with the coffee early when he first woke up, and breakfast before leaving for his workout--which had included a second cup of coffee--he had consumed 496 calories before 9:30 in the morning. That was only four calories from his _daily_ calorie goal.

Then he had unintentionally met Ryuu on his walk, and together they stopped to pick up sports drinks because it was still August, and therefore, hot and humid. That was another 120 calories.

On his way home, he was already planning how he could avoid eating any more food for the rest of his day. He already ate too much, and he was still so close to his next goal weight. 

But it was Ryuu.

He convinced him to go to one of his favorite smoothie bowl places. They served healthy food, so Ryuu argued that it was a great choice to help rebuild muscles after their workout. It would have been suspicious if he had refused to go. Ryuu knew he couldn’t resist one of his favorite foods. He was a sucker for all things sweet and creamy, and cool and refreshing smoothie bowls were at the top of that list.

It was delicious. Creamy peanut butter. Sweet, ripe bananas. Even coated in a decadent layer of granola. Topped with a drizzle of _honey_. Honey. The nectar of the gods themselves.

It was sweet. It was impossible to put down once the bowl was in his hands. He ate, and ate, and ate. It was the most filling food he’d eaten in who knows how long.

It was 640 calories.

And he ate it _all_.

It was his undoing. From that sweet bowl, he couldn’t stop craving sweets and creamy fatty foods. A scoop of peanut butter as he made his little sister’s bento for the next day. A few bites of apple that was leftover when meal prep was done. A handful of walnuts for the same reason. 

Then, when he made dinner for his dad and little sister, he also made himself dinner. And ate leftovers of all the foods he helped make for them. A few peanut butter roll-ups, some pretzels, a slice of toast with butter.

After everyone else was in bed, he stayed up eating the rest of the cashews while finishing homework. Sipping a cup of hot chocolate which was heavy with chocolatey goodness and creamy perfection. He gave up trying to calculate how much fat and how many calories he ingested. It was enough to know that it was too many.

Enough to know that the two pounds he lost on his long walk in the morning were already back on his stomach.

Enough to remind himself of how foolish and weak he was.

Enough to wish purging was easier. With the few experiences of trying to expel the unhealthy food he ate, he respected bulimics but knew it wasn’t for him. Purging was nasty. Grotesquely unpleasant. It reminded him how much he needed to clean the bathrooms more frequently. It just wasn’t worth it.

He would rather starve himself in the future than struggle through the frustration of trying to force himself to puke. Truly, he did not know how bulimics did it.

Back to starving oneself in the future. 

He knew he needed to work diligently to get back on track. The creamy fats, addictive sweeteners, and filling carbs would wreck his self-control. He wasn’t sure how easy it would be, but he didn’t come so far to stop now. All those helpful motivational quotes reminded him of this. “You didn’t come this far to only come this far,” was a personal favorite quote of his. He needed to learn to control himself better. Prove to himself and others that _yes_ , he could do this.

Whenever he had a negative day, all he could recall were her constant, critical comments. They stung then, and they still sting as they echo through his mind.

_If you don’t learn self-control now, you’ll be bigger than a barn!_

_Suck in your gut and stand up straight._

_I’m just worried about you honey, I don’t want you to end up being 200 pounds!_

Before his mom left, he remembered her comments. He had baby fat as a child. Chubby little rolls and a round baby belly on a chubby baby boy. He did not grow out of them easily. He was considered a “husky” boy. A boy with “thick bones.” He tended to over-indulge in sweets. That never changed. He was still waiting for that glow up, if he’s being honest.

In contrast, his mother was naturally skinny, and she kept up her figure with portion control, limiting her intake of junk food, and an active lifestyle. They were so different. Body shape, self-control, the whole bit. Opposites.

He looked nothing like his mom. He _was_ nothing like his mom.

She would always remind him to suck in his stomach. To stand up straight and tall. If she caught him sneaking a midnight snack, she would storm over and rant and rave at him with angry eyes. Eyes he could not forget. Words he could not forget.

His goal weight is to be smaller than her, just to throw all those comments back in her face. If he ever saw her again.

Now, he seems to only find beauty or worth in tight skin over muscle. Bold bones under brittle skin. Anything else must go, because it is disgusting. And he is else, therefore he must go, or he will forever remain disgusting.

He can do this.

He is stronger than his emotions and cravings.

He can do this and he will do this.

… After this cup of hot chocolate. No point in wasting good food. Sweet, creamy good food. Nectar of the gods kind of good food. After all, wasting is bad. And he isn’t a bad person. Hopefully.

Yes, starting again tomorrow, he will do this.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

It didn’t start out about being skinny. At least, he thinks it didn’t. At least consciously it didn’t.

It started out late one night after feeling all the brokenness inside and being frustrated when the outside and the inside didn’t match. He didn’t look broken or sick. He didn’t look like he was falling apart.

But he was.

And he decided he wanted it to show. He slowly started searching for posts about eating disorders. He wasn’t one who didn’t know he had an eating disorder and thought he looked heavier than he really was. He wanted an eating disorder because he knew precisely how heavy he was.

He decided to have an eating disorder. Partly for control. Partly out of his passively-suicidal tendencies. And partly, he guessed, because of being skinny. 

Because maybe if he was skinny, maybe he’d be happy. Maybe if he was skinny, he would be noticed. Maybe the harsh words in his head would finally quiet.

That was his start. Then he became addicted to the feeling of victory that came every time he said no, ignored his hunger, and lost another few pounds. He started with a calorie goal of 1,000 calories a day, which quickly changed to 500 calories per day. He tried to burn at least four times as many calories as he consumed. He became vegan to give himself more reason to turn away from bad foods. He got rid of oil when he cooked meals. He looked for low-calorie vegetables to fill a small plate with to give him the appearance of eating. He practiced eating slowly, pushing food around the plate, and drinking water frequently to have less space in his stomach for food.

All these things led to battles within his head. With the anorexic side of himself against the hungry side. With the depressed side against the rational side. With the voice that sounded like his mother against the one that sounded, surprisingly, like the loud-mouthed, brash, grey-eyed…

Well. He was not going there. The rational side was also not willing to think about that thought too much. Even the rational side preferred to think about food compared to feelings. It was the lone thing he firmly believed with all sides.

He felt hatred toward himself every time he ate too much, or gave in and ate something unhealthy. Burning calories any way he knew how became his addiction. Feeling lightheaded when he tried to stand or move quickly was a pat on the back, letting him know he was doing good. He was only a few weeks in, but he had learned so much about himself as he ignored the cravings and waited for true hunger to kick in. As he realized how easy it really was to ignore his body’s feelings of hunger.

He has cravings not for food, but for results. For pain. For loss.

He will stay strong. He will be in control. Just as much control as he is when he drags a knife across his skin, he will also control each bite. All the intake will be because he wills it. Or doesn't it, more likely.

Him. Not hunger. Him. In control.

Away from this inner-dialogue and into the present, he was sitting beside Ryuu on the couch, attempting to study and appear normal, and his stomach constantly made weird gurgling noises. They weren’t exactly hungry sounds, but they sounded almost grumpy.

It was a bad day yesterday. He had those frequently. More than he’d like to admit. Yesterday he ate two meals and a snack. Usually, he only allowed one meal outside of his cup of coffee with oat milk. If it was a particularly rough morning, he would be allowed to have some honey to soothe his throat. That was **it** until at least 5:00 pm. He was supposed to be firm about those rules.

But yesterday food tasted so good and he listened to his cravings. We had been weak. He was always weak.

Today he has only had a cup of honey-oat coffee (97 calories) and some gummy vitamins (10 calories). His plan was to not eat anything more today, and see how long he could get away with not eating tomorrowーskip as many meals as possible without getting caught.

One unforeseen hiccup in the road was that, for the first time in his life, he felt uncomfortable around the crazy, loud ball-of-energy known as Tanaka Ryūnosuke. They were close friendsーthough sometimes he felt more like a babysitter than a friend, especially when Noya was aroundーand one should not have felt uncomfortable trying to do homework with a good friend. But the loud noises made him nervous. He had only met two of his goal weights, what would he do now if Ryuu started getting suspicious?

He couldn’t give in, especially with how bad he had been yesterday. He ate 2,091 calories yesterday. He was a disgusting cow who gained two whole pounds from that god-awful binge. 

He will not be weak. He refuses to give in. He will get skinny, like the pictures he saw of models. All bones and gaunt looking. He will look like that. He just needs to say no. And be smart enough that Ryuu won’t suspect a thing. He was the only one he was worried about noticing something was up.

Of course, he has to talk to avoid suspicion. Opening his mouth always seemed like a good plan at the time.

“This is so weird, I’m not even hungry! It’s like my stomach is grumpy or something,” he said, hoping to remove any suspicions Ryuu might have. His unobservant friend just laughed. He had barely even noticed the noises in the first place. Soon after, Ryuu ran to his room to grab something, leaving Ennoshita alone on the couch. With a sigh of relief, he was allowed to be anorexic again. He was allowed to look up pro-ana images online without feeling like he had to shield his computer from Ryuu.

He was becoming addicted to the images, too.

It was getting close to dinnertime though. When Ryuu came back, he should probably head out. Then he could lie and say he already ate at Ryuu’s place to his dad. But the longer he sat by himself, the guiltier he felt. Sitting still on a couch is not burning any calories. Will he reach his goals for the day if he just remained here? He really needed to move around more. Maybe he should go to Ryuu’s room and tell him he was leaving, make some excuses about needing to head home for dinner. Then he could walk around until he needed to go home. Burn more calories. Yes, that was a good idea.

Getting up, he made his way down the hall and knocked on Ryuu’s door. “Hey, Ryuu?”

“Just a minute, man! I’ll be right back out,” Tanaka said from inside the room.

To begin with, it was strange that he escaped to his room. Usually, they studied _in_ Ryuu’s room, but the past few weeks he had been oddly secretive about his room, not allowing Ennoshita to go anywhere near it. Now the door was closed. It’s not like he hadn’t seen the inside of the room before, or Ryuu in all different states of undress. But now he was being odd.

“Ryuu, I need to be heading home soon, I don’t want to be late for dinner.”

At this, Tanaka popped his head out, though not opening the door wide enough for Ennoshita to see inside. “Oh, man! You won’t be staying for dinner? Nii-san and I talked about getting takeout at this new place that just opened!”

Though Ryuu looked hopeful, that would definitely never happen. “Some other time we will have to do that, but I’ve got to head out. Tell Nii-san I said hello, and try not to fail your test tomorrow, okay?”

“What? Um, man, I totally knew there was a test tomorrow, and I totally was not going to fail it. To make sure _you_ won’t fail, what subject will it be in? Have you studied enough?”

“Ryuu, don’t give me that shit, of course, I studied. And since you obviously weren’t paying attention, it’s in English.” 

Ryuu looked pained. 

“Enno, please don’t go yet. We can grab takeout and then study together! You know how terrible my English is,” he pleaded, giving Enno his puppy dog eyes.

“Ryuu, I have to get home. You know this material, we’ve worked on it before. Give me a call if you have any questions, but I’m heading home.”

Turning around, with one last look toward Ryuu, hoping to see inside his room, Ennoshita was back in the living room picking up his school things. Ryuu hurried after him like he didn’t want Enno to leave. It made no sense. They weren’t even studying together for the last hour or so.

Bookbag over his shoulder, he opened the front door without a word, though Tanaka basically begged for them to eat lunch together the next day. He agreed, more to leave the house before his stomach started growling again than anything.

But alas, as he opened the door to leave, he ran into Saeko. 

“Ennoshita! What are you doing right by the door? We haven’t even grabbed food yet!” she enthused, draped an arm over his shoulder and with a questioning look.

“Actually, I have to head home for dinner.”

“Enno, you have a chance to eat dinner with me. Noya never turns down an opportunity to spend time with his Nii-san. Could it be that I’m not your type? That you go for someone else? Who looks remarkably like me except for no boobs or hair? Could his name be--” 

“You know what Saeko-san, dinner sounds wonderful. What type of food were you thinking?” With a slightly panicked look in his normally sleepy eyes, he cut her off, looking behind him to ensure Saeko’s comments had not been overheard by the less observant Tanaka sibling.

With a sly smile, she pushed him back inside the Tanaka household while calling out a hello to Ryuu, who looked between the two, trying to figure out why Ennoshita had decided to stay for dinner. Before he could ask his question, Saeko, her arm still around Ennoshita’s shoulders, said a simple “no one can resist me.” This seemed to pacify her little brother, though Ennoshita couldn’t help but think that he looked a bit put-out that he agreed with Saeko and not Ryuu. But of course not, Ryuu did not think like that. He did not think about that.

He ended up settling for a cup of soup, which a quick phone search told him was around 230 calories. He was still below his limit for the day, but so much for not eating anything for the rest of the day. He considered purging, but it was not easy to accomplish. Repeatedly sticking his hand down his throat just to spit up tiny bits of food was not something he ever wanted to relive. He will just continue tomorrow, avoiding as many meals as possible, and eating mostly vegetables when he does eat. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow he will be stronger.

With dinner out of the way he was able to finally get his mind off of food. He ended up staying until late in the night, working with Ryuu on his English. He had not lied, he was quite bad at it. With Ennoshita working with him since the last Tokyo training camp, he did show improvement, but he still forgot most of the vocabulary. And put the verbs in the wrong place. And forgot random words in the sentences he translated. 

Needless to say, he was a work in progress. 

They were both on the floor of the living room, sprawled out with work in front of them. Tanaka had gotten frustrated at one point trying to understand English state-of-being verbs and chucked his shirt across the room. Ennoshita did not blush when his gaze lingered. His gaze never even lingered.

It was during one of those moments of wandering eyes when Saeko came back in to check on the boys, to see if any of them wanted an evening snack. “Ryuu, why are you in the living room instead of your room? You usually study with Noya in there.” Saeko asked sincerely enough, but the look on her face hinted that she knew more than she was saying.

“Nii-chan, you know it's more spacious out here. Though Noya is small enough for my room, I thought Ennoshita would appreciate the extra space. Who likes being all squished in a small room together? I didn’t think it was Enno’s style.” Ryuu rubbed his head and avoided looking at either his sister or Ennoshita as he spoke.

“Enno, are you that particular about your personal space?” Saeko wagged her eyebrows as she asked her question.

“I don’t have a preference either way. I never felt cramped in his room. But the living room is fine too.” He answered honestly. He didn’t want more privacy with Tanaka, of course not. Didn’t think about being alone in a small space with a closed door. Not one bit.

He was lying to himself and he knew it. He liked Tanaka and had for almost as long as he had known him. His problem was that he had only ever heard Tanaka talk about girls. It was always Kiyoko this and Kiyoko that. The mysterious room that he was currently not allowed to see was covered in images of half-naked women.

A pathetic part of his brain wondered that if maybe he was petite, Ryuu might consider him. Maybe if he seemed more fragile, Ryuu would want to protect him. He did have that tough-guy savior complex. Maybe he could use that...

Ennoshita rolled his eyes internally at that line of thought, stopping himself from going further down that rabbit hole. Being a weak guy wouldn’t turn Ryuu’s head anyway. Maybe being more muscular, sure. Tanaka seemed to respect muscles. But a guy trying to act girly so he would attract his straight best friend’s attention? Ryuu would never talk to him again if he knew those were his thoughts.

As Ennoshita got lost in his own head, the Tanaka siblings delved into what appeared to be an argument with a hidden meaning. He heard very little of it, so wrapped up in his own thoughts. He was pulled back to reality by a sudden exclamation from Ryuu.

“Nii-san. Look, it is impolite to argue in front of guests. We can talk about this _later_.”

“Ryuu, it’s just me. I’ve heard you argue--” But he couldn’t get his sentence out, already being interrupted by Saeko.

“Speaking of late, look at the time. Ennoshita, we cannot allow you to walk home this late. Check with your dad and stay the night tonight, okay? I’m sure Ryuu’s tiny room will fit a futon. If you want the futon, that is.”

At this, Ryuu covered his face with his hands and seemed to breathe deeply. Ennoshita couldn’t tell his feelings about Saeko’s proposition. But he knew he, himself, would not mind the arrangement. No need to pull out the futon. He didn’t kick or toss and turn in bed. He could just share with Ryuu. Share a bed. With Ryuu. A bed. Just the two of them--

Maybe this was a terrible idea.

“So, Ennoshita, did you see if it was okay to stay over tonight?” Apparently, Saeko was not giving anyone options beyond obedience.

“Oh, one second,” Chikara said as he pulled out his phone. He knew his dad wouldn’t mind. He was quite smitten with Saeko. It was almost a guarantee that saying “Saeko was wondering” would automatically end up with a “yes”. Saeko had that effect on most single men. And it made sense. As she said, she was basically Ryuu with…

Nope. Not thinking of that. At all.

His dad texted back quickly. He could stay over, as long as it wasn’t a bother to “Tanaka-kun.”

Saeko knew this, without Ennoshita even having to confirm, and she was trying to get them packed up and to bed in Ryuu’s mysterious room.

Alas, with the opening of the door, the room was no longer mysterious. Surprisingly clean for Ryuu, but that wasn’t the most shocking part. The walls were empty. No half-naked women in sight. And Ryuu seemed to be actually using his bookshelf for books. Well, manga, but they looked new. What could change Ryuu so much in the past few days or weeks?

Knowing Ryuu, the books were the most surprising parts, so he walked over to see what he had been reading. One was open on the bed. It showed a confession scene. 

Of a man.

Confessing to another man.

Ryuu read yaoi? 

Like the fluffy, romantic, (and vanilla) boy love? 

Ryuu? Kiyoko-worshiping, girlfriend-wanting, half-naked-women-viewing Ryuu?


	2. How do I make you fall in love with me? Or do I live in a love I'm dying for?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And so he coasted. Life went on and he fought to get back to that sweet spot, where he had the energy to be active, but still saw stars and a bit of black any time he moved too quickly. That empty feeling left him balanced, almost at peace. It was his goal, to always hit that sweet spot.
> 
> But of course, life is never that easy. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Fairly short but kinda descriptive purging scene. If you want to skip it, stop reading when you get to "Once feeling slightly cleaner," and then pick it back up at "When he finally decided". Beyond that, more discussions of eating disorders, a brief mention of cultural homophobia, underage drinking, and angst. 
> 
> But, new characters that I love! This has no beta and I have no idea what I am doing, but hey, it's here. Look at that.

What followed was arguably the most awkward night of his life. Ryuu dashed in, snagged the manga, and hastily reshelved it. He seemed to know he needed to say something, but his ears just kept getting redder, the flush spreading to his neck and chest, with no words leaving his mouth.

He made eye contact but quickly looked away.

Scratched the back of his neck.

Then somehow just acted like nothing happened and pulled out the futon to lay across the floor. “Here, Enno, you can have my bed and I’ll sleep on the futon!”

Though he did not want to kick Ryuu out of his bed, he wanted this awkward atmosphere gone, so he agreed and quietly went to the bathroom to prepare for bed. 

They didn’t talk for the rest of the night.

Not that any sleeping happened to break that silence. Ennoshita was lost in his own thoughts, tossing and turning, surrounded by Tanaka’s scent. Usually, that would be the distracting part, but tonight he had plenty else to think of beyond just sleeping in Tanaka’s bed. Tanaka, who might like guys. That was the most logical reason for the new reading material. 

But Tanaka was always so loud. He didn’t hide anything from anyone. If he was bi, that would have been common knowledge, at least to Ryuu’s close friends—well at least Ennoshita thought he would have been told that. Was it recent? Or was he just keeping that part of himself hidden?

Why did his chest burn just a twinge when realizing that he wasn't as close to Ryuu as he thought.

Maybe that was why he was so awkward earlier. He wasn’t ready to come out, so he kept his room mysteriously closed? He was trying to understand who he was, and was slightly pushing others away as he found himself?

None of that sounds like Ryuu.

But...

Well, realistically, only Kinosita and Narita knew he was gay, so Ryuu keeping the fact that he also might like guys on the down-low wasn’t all that surprising. Chikara had kept his orientation from Ryuu out of fear of losing the friendship that they had. Even though he assumed some guys on the team might not be straight, it wasn’t discussed openly. Though people read boy love manga, that was as far as most people were comfortable taking their homosexuality.

The younger generation was changing things, though. He knew from training camps that some guys on the other teams were openly gay. Especially some of those Tokyo teams. It was eye-opening being around some of those loudmouths. Not every gay man was as confident as that owl captain. At least, not all the way out in Sendai, where old traditions still had their claws dug in.

Maybe, despite all of his boisterous bravado, Ryuu was still under the wing of some of those societal conventions. That, or maybe he just realized his feelings for a man? He hadn't verbalized it, because it was that new?  Had he met someone new that changed things for him? Did Ennoshita know the person Ryuu liked? The only people he could think of would be their new friends from the other schools.

Taketora hardly seemed like a plausible match. But beyond Tora, Ryuu hardly interacted with other schools. So did he meet someone some other way? Or did he start seeing someone he already knew in a different light?

His mind kept going back to the open manga page he had glimpsed. Was he going to confess to someone? Who?

Ennoshita tried to think of anyone he had seen Ryuu interact with. Though he was close friends with everyone on the team, Tanaka never acted like anyone on the team was more special than the rest. He and Noya were besties, but Noya had that thing with Asahiーwhich no one had really confirmed or denied, but the whole team knew  _ something _ was going on; it was too much drama for just friends. Too much breaking things and frustration. So it couldn’t be Noya, right? Well, just because Noya was taken didn’t mean that Tanaka wasn’t still crushing on him.

Is Noya the type of guy that Ryuu goes for? Wild, petite, passionate, and small. Petite, small, ephemeral, dainty, slight. All things he wasn’t. He couldn’t change his height, but everything else was based on him. If he stayed strong, he could be delicate too. If Ryuu liked guys too, maybe he could become the type of guy Tanaka liked.

He was pathetic. And since when did he let himself think like this? He didn't like Ryuu as anything more than friends. He wasn't allowed to like Ryuu in any other way. He would not permit it.

But he couldn’t help thinking about it.

He could never be the passion and fire that Noya was. It was hopeless. If Ryuu liked Noya, he needed to take a step back and hope for the best for one of his closest friends. He wasn’t Ryuu’s type. And that was fine. They were just friends anyway. Just friends. His heart and his supposed love did not matter currently. Probably never would. 

Because he just wasn’t the kind of person others gravitated towards. If life was an anime, he was a background character. “Townsperson B” or whatever nonsense Yachi would spout. The guy in the back with sleepy eyes and low animation quality.

The background characters don’t get the romance plots. They live simple boring lives and settle for what life gives them. Manga never delves into the dreams of background characters. Maybe they didn't have any. 

Had they learned to quit dreaming?

It would be less painful that way.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

After the pity party on Ryuu’s bed, Ennoshita avoided Ryuu more. He knew he was being cowardly, but he couldn’t handle the questions running around his brain.

Whoever Ryuu was going to confess to—if he even was planning on confessing—was not his concern. He needed to move on with his life. And the best way to do that was to focus on what he could control.

Oh, how life seemed to fuel this terrible cycle.

He knew he had lost progress because of volleyball. As odd as it sounds to have exercise be the cause of weight gain, it was true. Constantly being around friends and playing the sport he loved took his mind off of his weight for a while. He got used to eating a normal amount of food again, either because he was at a training camp and he needed to eat at the table with everyone else, or he was just too exhausted to think while he stuffed his face. 

The problem was trying to get back control. Technically he was only a few pounds above where he was, but he hated himself for all the lost progress. Just one simple training trip to Tokyo caused him to take such a large step back. Instead of reaching toward his next goal weight, he was just trying to get back down to where he had been.

As luck would have it, his sister brought home a stomach bug from school, so he spent three days either not eating or expelling what he did eat. That helped him drop three pounds. Crawling closer to being on track. Every little bit seemed to help. It was a double-edged sword. Little things could make or break him. He had to be vigilant in keeping control and not giving up.

One thing he was, was persistent. So he kept on, each day. He went back to old habits and formed some new ones. 

One particularly nasty--but effective--habit was a new kind of punishment. When he ate too much or something that was too unhealthy, particularly late after practice (when unhealthy food always seemed to sound the most tempting), he would have to punish himself for it. If he continued to punish himself, he figured he would realize the sweets and binges just weren’t worth it.

So, buying the cookies and eating them all? Well, the punishment was to drink enough water that he felt like he was going to puke, then force himself to do so. Realistically, looking at the remnants of the unhealthy mess in the toilet, he knew he was still consuming most of those calories. His body did not want to let go of the trash in his stomach. He couldn’t get all of those cookies to come back up. But constantly scraping at the back of his throat, feeling bile run down his fingers as his face quickly became a mess of snot and tears--it was awful. It was what he deserved for his lack of self-control.

Punishment.

He learned how to make it better, hence drinking so much water right beforehand. He also learned to eat the junk as quickly as he could, down the water, and go right to the bathroom. The less time his body had to digest the forbidden food, the better. It burned coming back up less that way, anyway.

And he did learn, after a few punishments, that he should just avoid the cookies in the first place. He got better at saying no to his cravings. It helped that since he stopped eating sugary foods, his body stopped wanting them.

But just because he was less tempted to ruin all of his progress did not mean he was strong. Today was just another lunch period of hiding from his friends so they didn’t realize that he didn’t eat. He was in his homeroom, pretending to revise his class notes while he ignored his growling stomach and the constant chill that seemed to sink into his skin. His school uniform might keep most people warm enough, but he was always cold.

But that’s an aside for another day. Because he was going to hate himself in a minute or two. He was so weak. Shameful. Pitiful. Disgusting. The food was taunting him. Tempting him. Controlling him. So he figured he should eat all that he could and then get rid of it. No temptation for tomorrow, right?

He hated doing this in public restrooms, but sometimes he just didn’t have enough self-control. This was better than keeping his revolting body.

So here he was, in the least populated bathroom on the second floor. It was a bit of a walk from his homeroom, but it was a walk from all the homerooms. That was the point. 

He grabbed a paper towel and some soap before stepping into the furthest stall. Though he knew the bathrooms were cleaned regularly, he still needed to clean the area where his hands and head would be. He always felt so dirty when he was done.

Once feeling slightly cleaner, he leaned over the toilet and put his fingers down his throat. He always hated this, but with the sweets--damn milk bread, what a waste of calories--he needed to get rid of this swirling mass in his stomach. He reached his pointer and middle finger into the back of his throat, searching for his uvula. He scratched at the back of his throat like he was trying to tickle himself. It was always such an unpleasant experience, but it had to be done. And so it began. First, he started gaging, but his body fought against it. So he kept at it, pausing to spit the drool in the toilet before going back to gaging and tickling the back of his throat. 

Then came the water that he had chugged to make it easier to puke. More tickling. Over and over again, the gagging and spitting for a little bit of water continued as his fingers scraped the back of his throat. Until finally he came to a little bit of the milk bread. He knew he wouldn’t get all of it, so he just told himself just four more times of actually getting something to come up and he would be done.

He should have chewed his food better. It was really unpleasant when he felt the big chunks coming back up. Note to self for next time, he guessed.

When he finally decided he had punished himself enough, he grabbed some toilet paper to blow his nose and wipe off his face. A few deep breaths and he was ready to head out. He listened to make sure no one else was in the bathroom, and, once the coast was clear, he let himself out of the stall and headed to the sink to continue cleaning up.

He’d just finished swishing and spitting to clean out his mouth when the door opened. How odd, for someone else to use this bathroom during lunch. He quickly splashed water on his face before he saw who it was. That would explain his wreck of a face, right?

Objectively, he knew most of his cover would be easily blown if someone looked close enough. But he was not the main character, so he figured people wouldn’t pay much attention to him.

He was just a background character. Someone to fill in the blanks in a roster. People didn’t care if he was crying in the bathroom.

And though it hurt to admit that to himself, it did make keeping secrets easier.

Except that the person who walked through the door did care about him enough to notice the little things.

“Oh, hi Suga.”

The second they met eyes, he saw a muddle of emotions cross the other boy’s eyes--confusion, concern, and a few others he couldn’t place. The fact that his expression was able to stay schooled showed that the other did not come to any drastic conclusions.

His secret was safe.

“Ennoshita, I’m surprised to find you in this bathroom, usually it’s empty,” Suga replied with a soft smile.

“Well, I like to go to this one when I get a bit stressed. Time to splash my face and calm myself down. It’s easier when no one else is around.” Truthfully, he was proud of himself for that line. It was in character and helped explain all the signs that Suga might have seen.

“Well, make sure you don’t keep all those emotions to yourself. You have a team to support you. You don’t have to always support them without expecting them to do the same for you.” Suga said it with a little laugh, like it was such a familiar sentiment. Ennoshita had a feeling Suga had to give Daichi the same talk before.

“Thanks Suga. Well, I’m feeling better now, so I’m heading back to class. See you at practice!” Ennoshita left with a small wave, chill and seemingly-sleepy as ever.

He was a decent actor, thankfully. His act was believable and easy to create.

And so he coasted. Life went on and he fought to get back to that sweet spot, where he had the energy to be active, but still saw stars and a bit of black any time he moved too quickly. That empty feeling left him balanced, almost at peace. It was his goal, to always hit that sweet spot.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

But of course, life is never that easy. It all went to hell in a handbasket and the shit hit the fan, as the English sayings go.

Ryuu had become close with some of the obnoxious players from other schools, so when he decided to have friends over, he included some of the other pseudo-trouble makers, like Yamamoto Taketora, the Nekoma version of Tanaka, and Nishinoya Yuu, of course, but also some that Chikara did not even realize he was friends with, namely Kyoutani Kentarou, who Oikawa always called “Mad Dog” and Yahaba Shigeru, who in most ways seemed to be the Aoba Johsai version of himself. Wherever Mad Dog was, Yahaba was there to keep him in line. Then the only other Karasuno member in the house was Enno. 

Regrettably, Saeko was also part of the group. This would have been fine, except that Saeko decided that the thing a group of pseudo-troublemakers needed was alcohol. Yes, juvenile delinquent look-alikes with alcohol, a perfect combination.

Ennoshita already had a headache and the beers had just been opened.

Thankfully, no one at the party--because getting this many loud people together and adding alcohol was no longer just ‘hanging out,’ it was a party--seemed to want to do anything too daring. He just hoped when the alcohol hit, the party would not get too loud. The last thing he wanted was to have the cops stop because of a noise complaint.

He sat with the rest of the group, nursing his beer. By nursing, he meant not drinking it at all. Drinking 150 calories in one can? No thank you.

Thankfully, he was sitting with Yahaba, who also seemed to be unsure about the rest of the loud group. He figured he should try striking up a conversation.

“So, Yahaba-san, do you know how Ryuu and Kyoutani-san became friends? Until I saw you here, I never realized you knew each other outside of volleyball,” he decided to start with.

Yahaba laughed lightly and turned to look over, saying, “It really is a funny story, but I feel like I would ruin it. You’ll have to get Tanaka-san to tell you the whole thing, but basically, Noya and Kentarou played on the same neighborhood team while Noya was suspended. Noya thought Tanaka-san and Kentarou would get along well, so here we are.”

Ennoshita knew he needed to casually not ask about the casual use of ‘Kentarou’ when speaking about Kyoutani, and he tried to school his expression to not show his surprise. He didn’t realize Yahaba and Mad Dog were close.

“I’ll have to have Noya and Tanaka share the story with me. I didn’t realize you and Kyoutani-san were that close, honestly. How did you get dragged into coming?” That was chill, right? Not trying to dig into anyone’s personal life or be intrusive.

Another laugh. “Honestly I think Tanaka wanted me to come so you would have one non-crazy friend to talk to. Seems like he was right.”

That did make sense. He was going to reply back when a rather drunk Noya dropped into his lap. This party had barely started. How in the world was Noya already falling all over the place. He was small, so he must have a low tolerance.

“Chikara! Jus the guy I wanna talk to. What’s up wit you and my man Ryuu lately? How come you nev’r wanna hang wit any of us anymore? Thought you and Ryuu were close. Why you avoid’n him? Hurt ‘is feelin’s,” Noya slurred in between hiccups.

Enno just looked into Noya’s glazed dark brown eyes surprised. He knew he’d been avoiding Ryuu. He just didn’t want to be too close when Ryuu eventually asked out his crush. It would be easier if he wasn’t always around. That would tear his heart apart even more than his current self-deprecating thoughts.

“What are you talking about, Noya? Ryuu and I are just as close as we’ve always been,” Enno tried to say as diplomatically as possible while having a drunk Noya on his lap.

Noya’s predator eyes were zoned in on him. “No, you ‘ave been ‘voiding him and tryin’ to not be ‘round as much.”

“Listen, Noya. I don’t know what you mean, but I think you’ve had enough for now,” Ennoshita calmly mentioned as he took the beer out of Noya’s hand. He didn’t even complain about now being alcohol-less, which means he must have had plenty.

“Fine. Don’ answer me. I’ll figure it out on my own then. I’ll talk to Ryuu ‘n’ try to figure it out. He’ll know somethin’, he always knows somethin’,” Noya muttered as he slumped off Chikara’s lap and back toward where the rest of the group was talking loudly.

Odd, Ryuu wasn’t with the rest of the group. He looked around again. Neither was Kyoutani.

He just hoped they weren’t getting into trouble or fighting.

Shaking his head, he turned back to Yahaba to continue the conversation. Before he could decide what to say next, Yahaba started for him.

“I noticed you haven’t touched your beer. I’m not a fan either, so I don’t blame you. Want to go to the kitchen and see what else we could drink?”

He laughed and followed Yahaba away from the remaining few party-goers and headed to the kitchen. They decided to both settle on a soda, knowing the party would need some people sober to keep everyone else alive.

Chikara decided to run to the restroom before heading back to the living room, saying he’d catch up to Yahaba in a few.

Except he didn’t. Because when he opened the door to the bathroom, which had been unlocked, he had not expected to find Ryuu being caged in Kyoutani’s arms against the wall, hands tangled in his short, bleached hair at the nape of his neck, cheeks flushed and out of breath.

They jumped apart when the noise of the group met them. Ennoshita wasn’t sure what to do, frozen in shock.

Kyoutani?  _ Kyoutani _ was the guy Ryuu liked?

Fuck. He was  _ so _ not Ryuu’s type.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends.
> 
> Huge thank you to those lovely people who gave me kudos and subscribed, it made me feel so dang special, and I appreciate you all dearly!
> 
> Not gonna lie, this story is getting made up as it goes along. At least now I have an idea of where to for the next few chapters! I am so excited. Next chapter will be an intro into Ryuu's point of view. So, all those mad at me for this ending, it will be explained! It's going to be interesting thinking from Ryuu's point of view, but I'm excited for the challenge! Be prepared for angst and then humor!
> 
> Beyond that, thank you, lovelies and yeah, stay safe. I can't pretend that I'm not writing most of Enno's struggles from personal experience, but I wouldn't wish these struggles on anyone. So I hope no one is spiraling into a dark place because of this story and my portal of Enno.
> 
> Well. That is all.
> 
> Also, I have no update schedule. I don't know how long this will be and I really don't know how it's going to get to the end--I know how it will end, but not all that will go to get us there. I'm using lots of life experience to fuel how this is written, so updates depend on my life and how I'm feeling (aka projecting onto Chikara).
> 
> **Blows Kisses Your Way**  
> -Bai


	3. We're all runnin' from the things inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, he was mentally tough. Unshakable. And he would seal the door containing all these panicked thoughts tightly and focus on winning. Ignore all but volleyball and win.
> 
> But he could only keep things sealed away for so long... Because now volleyball couldn’t be his sole focus. He had time before nationals.
> 
> Time to panic.
> 
> Because he thought he was a straight man. Then this happened.
> 
> If this was a romantic comedy, now would be when they cued the gay panic montage.
> 
> Speaking of gay panic and romantic comedies, then Noya, that bastard, decided that the funniest thing ever would be to convince everyone to get gag-gift men’s lingerie for Valentine’s Day. 
> 
> He did not need to picture Chikara in a lavender-colored, satin garter belt and panty set, thank you very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lolz sorry for the delay … actual reasons and notes at the end of the chapter. Prepare yourself for gay panic and a surprisingly upbeat chapter compared to the story so far.

Tanaka  Ryūnosuke was apparently not the type to fall in love at first sight. He thought the whole begging-Kiyoko-to-marry-him-at-first-sight was an indication of who he was as a romantic, but he was  _ wrong _ . Because he was the kind of guy who had to be around someone for two whole years, completely thinking it was strictly as friends, before he realized “wow, I love them.”

He knew this because with one new experience, he saw someone he thought he knew in a whole new light, and that changed everything. One strong, defiant, determined “Bring It!” did him in.

This is the story of how Tanaka Ryunosuke fell in love with Ennoshita Chikara. 

It was during the Wakutani South match, which was when Ryuu slammed into Daichi and caused him to be pulled out of the game. The match began as a battle against captains with both Daichi and Nakashima being the stabilizing figures of their respective teams. But then Daichi went down, and Ennoshita came onto the court. Ennoshita, who was not a regular--he lost his position when Asahi came back--and generally lacked confidence in himself because always viewed himself as a coward.

Now, during the Spring High when one loss would end the high school careers for Daichi, Suga, and Asahi, Enno had to either rise to the mantle of stand-in captain in this David versus Goliath battle or let the team down in crushing defeat. Tanaka knew he was nervous, but Ennoshita never blamed anyone else. He took responsibility for the team and for his own playing. He was the leader the second years all knew he could be. Seeing him struggle with his own insecurities, but then to steel himself, gather the team around him, and tell everyone to “bring it” showed Ryuu who Ennoshita was. He already knew who he was, of course. They were friends and study partners. But now, though little about Ennoshita himself had changed, the way Tanaka viewed him was night and day.

He was determined, strong, and reliable. The rest of the team knew he was ready for the challenge. When he said “bring it,” he meant it. The team believed in him. Though Tanaka always wanted to be the strong, reliable man in a relationship, he had fallen for someone with the same traits.

Well, that and seeing how comforting he was to all the teammates. He showed Yamaguchi that everyone was nervous, and that was okay. If Enno could be nervous and almost about to puke, and still, stand strong and play to the best of his ability, then so could the rest of the team. Even those who didn’t normally start, like Enno himself. The team could follow Ennoshita Chikara because he wasn’t a Daichi stand-in. He was a hell of a leader in his own right.

Even with Tanaka, Enno helped to get rid of his guilt. It was his presence that made him shake off the past mistakes and how upset he was over Daichi being pulled out, and be thankful that he wasn’t out as well. Holding on to this thankfulness reminded Ryuu and the rest of the team that they had a match to win.

Chikara was strong but humble. He had a calm head on his shoulders that kept things together when the rest of the team was in panic mode. He seemed to step up and shed his self-conscious skin, leading in a way that brought everyone up with him, calming them in the process. 

All these minor eye-opening moments piled up inside and did something to his heart.

And he realized at that moment that he could never go back to being just friends with Ennoshita Chikara.

Well, not exactly.

First, before he gets away from the friend zone, he had quite a lot of panic to deal with.

Mainly around the fact that he had always only liked girls... But on that court, looking at the sweaty and determined face of one of his closest friends, he wanted to grab him and smash his lips onto Enno’s, See how Chikara tasted. 

Though he knew he had fallen for the mature, composed, and responsible man, he couldn’t help but focus on the sweaty, flushed, bright-eyed Chikara with which his body was obsessed. That man now had more allure than he could have imagined previously.

So yeah, gay panic. Bi panic? It was panic. He’s not really sure what type. He doubts it matters. The focus wasn’t on the classification of the panic, but on the panic itself.

Panic because of the damn sexy man that, prior to that moment, he had been  _ just friends _ with. Teammates. An occasional student when Ennoshita had to tutor him in his worst subjects. Not a romantic or sexual interest.

How could one moment of strong-willed, sexual-tension-filled determination change all of this for him?

He felt like everything he thought he knew was a lie.

If he couldn’t trust his own perceived sexual preferences, what could he trust?

…

…

All the panic. 

Because how the hell was he supposed to handle this life-altering information?

Thankfully, he was Tanaka Ryuuosuke. He could compartmentalize. Ignore whatever the hell he was thinking and feeling and imagining-- _ ignore _ that. And focus on volleyball.

Yes, he was mentally tough. Unshakable. And he would seal the door containing all these panicked thoughts tightly and focus on winning. Ignore all but volleyball and  _ win _ .

But he could only keep things sealed away for so long. Once they beat Shiratorizawa, he had some problems. Because now volleyball couldn’t be his sole focus. He had time before nationals.

Time to panic.

Because he thought he was a straight man. Then this happened.

If this was a romantic comedy, now would be when they cued the gay panic montage.

Speaking of gay panic and romantic comedies, then Noya, that bastard, decided that the funniest thing ever would be to convince everyone to get gag-gift men’s lingerie for Valentine’s Day. 

He did not need to picture Chikara in a lavender-colored, satin garter belt and panty set, thank you very much.

But now he could. It was burned into his memory. It haunted him when he tried to sleep. Led to dreams he did not need to remember. Because Chikara looked so damn good in satin.

He would look even better out of it. Ryuu’s imagination had a lot to work with because of the skimpy, tight-fitting panty set.

But he had to keep the damn door to those thoughts locked tightly. He was mentally tough. He must succeed in keeping those thoughts under lock and key.

Back to the bastard himself, one Nishinoya Yuu. Ryuu could now take a step back and came to the conclusion that Noya had to have realized his feelings for Chikara soon after Tanaka himself had realized them. Or, because Ryuu was evidently as dense as a brink about feelings, and the whole world could connect the dots before he could, Noya very well could have picked up on things far before he ever did.

So, because he was a conniving bastard with insider information, Noya felt bold enough to act. It was the weekend before Valentine’s Day when he put his plan into motion. All five of the second years were together under the pretense of doing schoolwork, though realistically they were just hanging out. Wondering if any of them would have any cute girls confess to them because they were all supposedly single and straight. Realistically, he had a feeling not everyone in the group was hoping for a  _ girl _ to confess, but they didn’t mention anyone beyond cute girls. 

Ryuu knew he wasn’t thinking of girls, but he was too much of a coward to mention otherwise.

It’s not that he disliked the idea of a girl confessing to him, but… okay he did dislike it because for the first time he would have said no. Girls didn’t confess to him often, he was not popular with the ladies, but even if a girl would finally confess to him on Valentine’s Day, he would say no.

Because no matter how much he would enjoy having a girl fawn over him, if it wasn’t Ennoshita, his brain apparently no longer cared. And after having to listen to Noya wax poetic about Asahi, (his strong arms, his height, his hair, his beard...it had gotten a bit ridiculous) now Noya claimed he was only hoping for a cute girl who looked nice in the Karasuno uniform. He could tell Noya was steering the conversation in this direction for a reason, not because he actually cared about having a girl confess. Fuckin’ fucker. Tanaka knew he wasn’t good at playing off all this panic and feelings. So course Noya just keeps on him about “cute girls” and chocolates and heart-shaped gifts when Ennoshita is sitting right beside him.

And of course, Nishanoya Yuu decided now was a good time to complain about the lack of men in lingerie. Apparently talking about Valentine’s led to him thinking about lingerie, which made sense. But then, he decided to think about men in lingerie. And again, with how he drooled over Asahi, that also made sense. What didn’t make sense was how he was on a crusade against fragile masculinity and sexism in lingerie advertisements. 

Tanaka had no idea how Noya could actually sound like a lawyer defending a case right now, instead of an idiot blabbing on about lingerie, but somehow Noya made it sound like a sexist crime to not have both men and women wear lingerie.

Ryuu would like to clarify that he was not against the idea of men in lace, but it was an uncomfortable conversation topic for everyone.

Except for Kinoshita, the little shit. Allegedly he also thought men should wear sexy clothes in the bedroom.

And he thought they should start the trend. Did that idea make any sense? No! Was Noya 100% on board with it anyway? Of course!

So they made a plan to go to the mall the next day and buy some male lingerie. Because Kinoshita knew the owner of a store that sells some really great stuff.

Noya thought it was a fan- _ freaking _ -tastic idea. And the problem is that old Ryuu would have supported any crazy thing Noya wanted to do.

But he wasn’t old Ryuu. He was gay-or-bi-and-falling-for-a-close-friend Ryuu. Meaning this was a problem. Like a _ problem _ problem. Not just a “problem.”

So he stupidly agreed.

He agreed to seeing Ennoshita in lingerie. 

Actually, he didn’t specifically agree to that. Really, it was not what he was thinking about.

He panicked, okay?

Noya--that  _ fuckin’ fucker _ was going to pay for this--thought that since they rarely visited the mall, it would be really funny if they also tried some things on.

And modeled them for the group?

“What?  _ Why? _ ”

Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable with this. Because he did not state his confusion out loud, but someone else did. Ennoshita, like any rational human being, also was against trying on and modeling lingerie for each other. Because it was weird and friends just didn’t do that, right?

Kinoshita claimed they did. It’d be “funny”, he said.

Narita looked like he felt bad for the awkward looks of his friends, but didn’t want to become the butt of the joke if he also voiced his thoughts. That, and he typically followed along with whatever Kinoshita was doing, anyway. So it was Ryuu and Enno against the shithead duo of Noya and Kino.

He could tell everyone was surprised he was against Noya’s crazy scheme. 

Well, maybe not Ennoshita. He could tell Enno knew something was going on because he was being weird and he couldn’t help it. It seemed like Ennoshita had started avoiding him. He wasn’t sure if he had made things uncomfortable between the two teammates. Again, panic. He might be known for his mental fortitude, but he is not an actor. He could only hide so much panic. And like, this was such a damn panic. He was barely keeping up with the pretenses as is, and he had tried to stay as far in friendzone territory as possible to do it.

Okay, deep breath.

Even if he was straight, this would be weird. It wasn’t something friends did.  _ And _ , as he was realizing, he was not straight. Making it  _ even weirder _ .

He was such a cringe compilation. So much panic and cringe and weird awkwardness.

But apparently, he owed Noya, so he was stuck going along with this god-awful idea.

He really didn’t think he actually owed Noya anything, but with one stupid eyebrow-raised, suggestive side-eye at Enno, he knew he had to go along with this.

While he was giving Noya the stink eye and trying to mentally relay the wrath of all Tanaka ancestors upon the Guardian deity of Karasuno, Enno was somehow blackmailed into going by the other two second years.

Blackmail was a bitch. Speaking of said bitch, he had to make sure that no video or photographic evidence of this cursed shopping trip ever saw the light of day.

Also, did he want to know what blackmail Kinoshita used to get Chikara to agree to this? He probably shouldn’t know. It wouldn’t end well.

Speaking of not ending well, he also shouldn’t have agreed to let Noya choose what he tried on.

Because now he was in a fitting room holding onto a Japanese schoolgirl costume with a see-through crop top, short pink skirt, and a butt plug. This was not happening. 

Now, he was comfortable in his body. Anyone who took their shirt off as often as he did had to be. But lingerie was very, very different than playing volleyball without a shirt on. Especially this kind of lingerie. He didn’t even know how to title it, but it was making him uncomfortable. He hadn’t even tried it on. Just looking at it was bad enough!

Then he heard the wolf whistles from outside the fitting room. 

“Damn, Ennoshita! Wow man, you look great!” Noya said much too loudly.

He really wasn’t sure if he wanted to see what Chikara was wearing, but he also wanted to get out of this fitting room and put the costume Noya had picked out for him back on the rack. He couldn’t do this.

So he stepped outside and froze in his tracks.

He had seen more than his fair share of women in shades of dress and undress in magazines he owned. Even with this new panic, he had started looking at some guys in equally compromising situations. But somehow this was just so much harder to handle than anything else. His self-control was waning fast. Ennoshita looked like a damn snack, and he wanted to lick and kiss every inch of exposed skin, which was a lot.

Oh, no. He cannot handle this. He needed to get out of here. But then Enno turned around to face him. 

Realistically, it seemed that most gay men were turned on most by their partner’s behind. This was all his research had shown him. And Chikara did have a wonderful behind accented with lavender ruffles. But he didn’t know what was going on anymore, and he knew he did not need to see Ennoshita in… oh he shouldn’t have looked. He needed to turn away. Eyes, blink. Please, look away from the silky material, tight against an area of his body that he, as a friend, should definitely not be staring at.

He was doing more than just staring. He was basically drooling over one of his closest friends and teammates who looked so delectable with an extreme blush on his face.

It’s really not his fault. He just can’t do this.

“Okay, this is the most embarrassing moment of my life. I am putting my clothes back on. Please, stop staring at me.”

And with that, the temptation was finally out of his sight. And the looks Noya, Kinoshita, and Narita gave him were knowing. Noya opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but Tanaka just glared.

“You think this is so damn funny, Noya? You try on this stupid costume,” he said as he shoved the ridiculous thing in Noya’s hands.

He glared. He was done with this, and Ennoshita was the only one to try something on. It better not stay that way. Shitheads one and two at least are getting into something.

So into fitting rooms they both went. Noya in the Japanese schoolgirl costume and, well, he’s not really sure what Kinoshita was going to try on. He just didn’t want Ennoshita feeling uncomfortable.

But everyone seemed even more uncomfortable seeing Noya in the schoolgirl costume. The man had some kind of complex. What other reason would explain why when he came out in the full Japanese schoolgirl costume, he wanted to make sure everyone knew this included a butt plug.

“Why? Noya, please. No one needed to know that.”

Oh hey, Ennoshita was back in normal clothes. He couldn’t look him in the eye, but at least the attention was on someone else.

And now Kinoshita was walking out in a thong.

“Okay, I have had enough embarrassment for one lifetime. Get dressed and if you want to buy anything, do it. But I want to leave. I’m so tired of this already.” 

Ennoshita did indeed look tired. He always looked tired, but Ryuu knew real “tired-Ennoshita” compared to “complacent-Ennoshita.” He was tired. He did not enjoy this trip one bit. Ryuu didn’t either. He also wanted to go home.

He couldn’t help but notice that Noya bought the schoolgirl costume and the satin garter belt outfit.

This was not going to end well.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

But Valentine’s Day came and went, and Ryuu forgot about the trip, for the most part. Did he still have certain images, good and bad, ingrained in his memory? Unfortunately. He couldn’t get the image of Noya in a damn skirt and butt plug combo out of his head. He tried.

The same could be said for Chikara in satin. He tried to forget that too. Really, he did.

He figured friends would help forget most things, right? So he planned a get-together. Invited all the friends. Most friends could make it, except Kinoshita and Narita, who had previous plans. He asked Kyoutani to bring his boyfriend Yahaba along so a few non-crazies would be there for Ennoshita’s sake.

He and Mad Dog had been friends for a few months now. He didn’t know Yahaba well, mostly because Yahaba and Kyou were a recent thing. But he really wanted to talk to Mad Dog tonight, because he was hoping to get some help in the gay panic department. Yahaba and Kyoutani were the only gay couple he knew for sure. He had his suspicions about a lot of people, but Kyou actually asked Yahaba out and told Ryuu all about it!

Ryuu heard all the drama as that relationship unfolded. He even saw the “being-slammed-into-a-wall” moment that started it for Kyou. It wasn’t a gay awakening like Enno’s “bring it” comment had been for Ryuu, but it was the moment Kyou realized Yahaba wasn’t just an Oikawa-worshiping pretty boy.

From then on, Kyou wanted to know more about Yahaba. In no time at all, the sexual tension overflowed and they were making out in the locker room. Apparently, Kyou didn’t think he needed some romantic confession with chocolates, and Yahaba just wanted a label for clarity.

Ryuu wasn’t sure what kind of confession Ennoshita would be interested in if he even was interested in guys in the first place. He wasn’t tongue-tied and stupid around Kiyoko, which was possibly a clue that maybe he wasn’t into girls? That or only stupid guys got tongue-tied around her. That was the case for him and Noya.

Ryuu managed to pull Kyoutani away from the rest of the group while they were distracted—really Saeko, was the alcohol really necessary?—and he could ask him all manner of questions about liking, confessing to (ish), and dating a guy.

This somehow led to this stupid line of questioning:

“Kyou, what’s it like kissing a guy?”

“What do you mean?” Mad Dog never saw the point of asking questions to work his way to a question. He wanted people to be straightforward with him.

“Well, how is kissing girls different from kissing guys?”

“You’ll have to tell me what it’s like to kiss a girl. I’ve never swung that way.”

“Oh, um… yeah. So kissing girls…”

“You’ve never kissed anyone before, have you Ryuu?”

“No. And I’m worried that maybe once I kiss a guy, I won’t like it, ya know?”

Mad Dog rolled his eyes. He wasn’t surprised Tanaka was dense about this. He never thought he was as straight as he claimed to begin with. The man was dense.

“You really think what you feel for this Ennoshita guy is that fleeting and physical that one kiss will turn you off of him?”

“Of course not! I’m just worried!”

“Well then let’s kiss to keep these stupid doubts away.”

“What, here? Man anyone could walk in on us!”

Mad Dog grabbed him, pulled into the bathroom next to his room, and pushed him up against the wall, and started kissing him.

It was violent, forceful, and kinda hot. Ryuu always thought kisses would be soft and romantic. This was much rougher and harder. Far from romantic, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to see if he liked kissing guys.

Which he thinks he does.

He has thankfully just reached this conclusion when he was started with how loud the little bathroom had gotten. Looking past Kyou, he met the startled eyes of the absolute last guy he wanted to see.

“Next time, lock the door.”

The possible love of life only had that to say before he slammed the door in Tanaka’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a lot of google searching and random Haikyuu blog reading, it seems that the Spring High is played in January. BUT, it is Valentine’s Day here in the US, and I totally wanted to do a cute/raunchy Valentine’s Day tempting of Tanaka, because I love him and apparently that also means I like to mess with his head. So yeah… suspend belief in a linear timeline for now and pretend that between the win over Shiratorizawa and the beginning of nationals, is Valentine’s Day. Because… yeah. I love lingerie and I can because I am author-san. ヽ(ˇヘˇ)ノ
> 
> Also, I realize that I am really late at posting this chapter. Since even Valentine's Day has long passed, I am even further behind compared to what I had expected to be. I, realistically, never had much of an upload schedule to begin with, but I had hoped to post every week or two. I am very, very behind. In my defense, I live in a “subtropical” (I think) climate, but we were hit with near blizzard-like weather this week, so we lost power for days. I mean the average temperature this time of year is 60 degrees Fahrenheit (lol, yes I am an American. I feel like it was prob kinda obvious from the start) but we had single digits for the actual temperature overnight. Needless to say, my wonderful state of Texas was drastically unprepared for the cold weather. We still have no running water because of frozen pipes… So. Not completely my fault that everything is taking forever to upload!
> 
> Also (lol again!) mentally, I’ve actually been better. This is amazing and I have no idea what I did to get better--honestly, I did not do anything; my improved mental health is a gift from God, which is a whole other tangent that I do not want to post about, but I would be happy to message about if anyone feels curious--but, for this reason, I couldn’t quite write Enno properly. Thankfully this chapter is from Tanaka’s perspective anyway!
> 
> Shout out to my commenter! Gaww you made me so so so happy! ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆ Truthfully, have some serious social anxiety when it comes to comments, because I am always stressed about saying the wrong thing and offending someone or just coming across as weird. So, thank you for the comment. I will reply when my social anxiety gives me a break and when I have more confidence. Ugh I am so awkward. I hate it!! But, I loved loved loved having a comment <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading. (If anyone actually reads this, lolz!)
> 
> Stay safe, let me know if you want to talk about anything, and I hope and pray that I will actually finish this story. I am so nervous posting it to begin with, but hopefully I finish the story and it benefits someone somewhere. It is my first chapter ever complete, 10 pages long. Only took me like four months to get this far, lol!
> 
> If you have struggles with healthy eating habits, I am preaching to the choir here rather hypocritically, but you aren't alone. You are loved. You matter. And if you need someone to cry with you, I will volunteer. Lord knows I cry way too often! 
> 
> -Bai
> 
> Also, these are too fun!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I need to create a chat-fic just so I can be Oikawa and use a million! ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶


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